Feeling Spicy: Hot Sauces & Hot People

My top celebrity crushes and what hot sauces they would be (round one)

I want to preface this with an acknowledgment that none of these celebrity crushes are original or profound. I don’t have a very niche taste in music, tv, or pop culture. Additionally, I define "celebrity crush” as famous people I am attracted to physically. Most of these people I don’t know anything about who they are in real life. Some of them I don’t even follow on instagram. So take this with a grain of salt. And spice. Because what really matters is how these hot people can help you find your new favorite condiment. I’ve ranked the following from what I consider least to most spicy in both flavor and hotness. Warning, this one might get a little steamy.

Gavin Casalegno: Cholula

Now, most of the celebrity crushes listed here are women. However, Gavin Casalegno breaks all the rules. He is an absolute gorgeous specimen of a human being and I would absolutely love to be as familiar with him as I am with the sauce I matched him with: Cholula. This hot sauce is a popular one, with it’s cute name and bottle, a nice but manageable heat level, and an overall delicious flavor profile. The texture of the sauce itself is incredibly smooth, much like I’m sure Casalegno’s body feels. In The Summer I Turned Pretty, I was on team Jeremiah the whole entire time. To me, there was no competition between the two brothers at all, and this made it frustrating to watch, actually. I could find a way to use Cholula everyday, much like I wish I could do Gavin Casalegno everyday. My favorite way to eat Cholula is with vegan chicken and rice, or with a cold slice of cheese pizza straight out of the fridge.

Billie Eilish: Texas Pete Original

Billie Eilish was my top spotify artist last year, and might win it again this year. This might seem like an unlikely pairing because Texas Pete is a classic, simple flavor, and Billie Eilish is unique, unprecedented, and unbelievably attractive. The reason for this boils down to the flavors. The acidity. The well balanced spice that is bright, sharp, and zingy. This sauce is vinegary and delicious with many vegan items Billie might like, such as soy chicken, black bean tacos, Just Egg, and vegan cheese pizza. Like Billie, the Texas Pete hot sauce is almost always the right answer. Billie Eilish is a staple in my music taste and romantic dreams, just like Texas Pete is a staple in my fridge. Don’t underestimate the power of a classic.

Rudy Pankow: Sriracha

I feel like it would be excellent to wake up to Rudy Pankow making me breakfast. In this particular fantasy, he makes me perfect scrambled eggs and toast, maybe a coffee. Nothing goes better with this breakfast combo than the original Sriracha hot sauce. Just as Sriracha is one of the most popular sauces in the world, made with chile, garlic, and a touch of sugar, Rudy Pankow is one of the most popular men in my heart. I don’t even like Outer Banks that much, but JJ is a very memorable character for me personally. The sauce pairing is perfect because sriracha is spicy but also comforting. It’s easy to handle, satisfying to squeeze, and very accessible. Rudy Pankow is sexy with a hint of sweet, with a hair and eyes combo I can’t resist. Pankow certainly brings the heat.

Renee Rapp: Chipotle Tabasco

Smoky, hot, bold. Renee Rapp is overwhelmingly hot, much like how flavorful this particular hot sauce is. Just like Rapp is versatile in the music and film industries, Chipotle Tabasco is versatile in its application, whether it be your Chipotle burrito, southern collard greens, or a bowl of classic spaghetti with marinara. This pairing is one you might not know you needed or liked, until you tried it and now you can’t get enough. There’s nothing else like it.

Jenna Ortega: TRUFF Black Truffle Infused

If you have never tried a black truffle hot sauce, immediately add it to your list. Similarly, if you’ve never watched Jenna Ortega in Wednesday, or in the “Taste” music video with Sabrina Carpenter, I insist you do so. I personally think Ortega and I would make an excellent couple. I would treat her to the best of everything, and is why I matched her with the most expensive hot sauce I have ever purchased. Sure, I bet $15 isn’t that much for a hot sauce in the culinary world, but for me the bottle was pretty luxury and I savored it like liquid gold. This sauce is smooth, buttery, spicy and packed with a unique flavor that is unlike any I have ever had. This sauce has class, just like Ortega. It lurks in your fridge until it suddenly leaves you begging for more. I would do anything for Ortega, just as I would pay more and more to keep this sauce in stock in my pantry. My favorite ways to eat this sauce include on scrambled eggs, in ramen, with tofu and broccoli, and drizzled over mushroom ravioli. Not sure what a black truffle is? Don’t ask me. But I sure know I have a fat crush on Jenna Ortega. What I’d give to be bottled up with her.

Selena Gomez: Yellowbird Habanero Hot Sauce

Oh, Selena. My crush was full force by the end of the first episode of Only Murders in the Building on Hulu. I mean that jacket? With the red Beats? She’s mysterious, intimidating, and oh so hot, much like the Yellow Bird Habanero Hot Sauce. I was saving a Habanero flavored choice for a particularly spicy crush, and Selena deserves it. With the habanero pepper, you have to be careful with how much you add. Sometimes, a tiny drop in a bowl of pasta, or a slight drizzle in vegetable soup can be enough to add the perfect flame of heat to the entire dish. Similarly, with even the smallest glance at Gomez, I am down bad. Selena screams, I’m going do what I want, and I don’t care what you think, and I love her for it. The habanero is too spicy for some, but certainly not for me. The Yellow Bird is my favorite brand of habanero sauce because it has other ingredients like carrots, garlic, sugar, and tangerine juice that add complexity to the flavor profile and make the heat more manageable but still intense. The sauce has as many components as my crush for Selena Gomez does.

Florence Pugh: Melinda’s Red Savina Pepper Sauce

My gay awakening would have been a lot quicker if Black Widow would’ve been released years before it did in 2021. Florence Pugh as Yelena in the film was an instant turn on. I’m a sucker for any woman-crime-fighting characters, but Florence Pugh was an instant crush for me, as I’m sure she has been for many. The sauce I chose for Pugh was Melinda’s Red Savina, mostly because it is a sauce with body. This pepper sauce is thick and hot, with a rich and slightly overwhelming flavor that lingers long after the last bite. The Red Savina chile is actually twice the heat of a traditional habanero pepper, making it even more spicy than the Yellowbird I matched with Selena. So watch out. The Red Savina sauce is a great addition to bigger meals with multiple components, like a pot pie, a burrito, lasagna, or vegetable curry. It will make you sweat, much like Pugh. No matter the movie, show, hairstyle, accent, or style, Pugh is on fire. But can you handle the heat?